Reward! for scumbag crackhead who stole our moped!
Reward for any information and prosecution of the crackhead who stole one of our mopeds on Christmas night. Yes, Christmas night, you scumbag! I hope you had a grand time cutting off the industrial strength chain around the rear tire. The man we bought the bike from tried to cut it with a torch for 45 minutes before giving up.
I hope this was a snatch and grab and you don’t come back for the other moped. We’re paranoid now and keep moving it to a “safer” location, but I guess if you want it bad enough, you and you buddy will return and lift it into the back of your pickup.
I’m offering a reward, the amount of which is random. I’ll be posting it on Craigslist for your friends to see. If they’re crackheads like you, the price will be more attractive than that of your friendship. If they’re half-way decent people, their curiosity about where you got a new bike will be amply rewarded. And if someone was stupid enough to buy it from you without paperwork, then God help the Empire.
Have a wonderful 2013, you worthless, filthy animal. May you get what you deserve.